I can absolutely see the benefits of an obedient child. The child will abide by the rules and their compliance makes life easier for the parents, teachers and friends they interact with.

The child will be agreeable, play with everyone, share their belongings, happy to comply with what is asked of them. They will be malleable, morphing into what is required of them in the moment, to please those around them. In doing so the child will ignore their own needs, downplay their hurts, and belittle their pain.

Are you still wondering what is the issue with an obedient child?

The issue is threefold; the obedience can not be seen in silo, it shapes the child’s personality, and it doesn’t promote morality.

Let’s start with the obedient behavior not being in silo. A child who is expected to obey their parents in the home, could also extend this behavior to outside of the home. I have worked with parents who complained that their children are “pushovers” in social interactions or “followers” with their friends. They add that their child is indecisive in making daily choices about food or what to wear. Or is unable to use creativity or problem solve when faced with a challenge. When I then ask the parent about the choices the child has over their day or the kind of control the child has over their own life, the parent is baffled by the question.

This is the point of silos. We can not expect our children to blindly obey rules in the home, and simultaneously go out to be creative independent confident leaders outside of the home.

Creativity, independence, and confidence are all skills that need to be practiced. The home is the training ground for these skills.

A child needs to have an opportunity in the home to practice comparing items, reviewing alternatives and making choices and taking decisions. A child needs to have the freedom to voice their opinion to their parents in the home in order to be able to use that voice with their friends in the playground. A child needs to have their space to explore, wonder, and question to foster their creativity and think outside the box.

Moving onto the second reason I believe obedience is an issue, it shapes the child’s personality growing up. A child who is obedient can lose their sense of self or identity. In their effort to always follow the rules, their focus becomes on abiding by the rules and following others’ guidance and pleasing others.

This path takes them away from their true self, their identity. It harms their connection with themselves and from truly knowing themselves, their own needs, likes and preferences. A person who is not given the opportunity to voice their preferences, opinions, feelings, objections, in their childhood, may not be capable of doing this in their adulthood.

As they grow they may succumb to peer pressure, and require increased parental involvement. They struggle to find their independence. This trajectory creates a persona of a person who has “lost themselves”. A person who spent their childhood obeying and following, that they lost themselves and their connection to themselves.

Who are they? What do they like? What do they dislike? What are their hobbies and passions? What are their fears? How does their body feel when they are excited, scared or angry? What makes them feel at ease? What do they need? Again, who are they?

A person who has been accustomed to looking externally to answer these questions will not have an authentic reality of themselves.

“Last but not least, the morality aspect. Obedience is doing what you’re told no matter what is right, morality is doing what’s right no matter what you’re told.” H.L. Mencken

A person who is blindly obeying rules does not decipher their impact both on themselves and their environment.

Obedience does not leave room for mistakes and learning from experience. This robs a person from the invaluable process of making mistakes, learning from them and repairing. This is an experiential process that needs to be felt and experienced.

I hope this article broadens your horizons.

Are you wondering how you can recede control to your child and also illicit their cooperation at the same time? Through connection!

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