“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results” by Einstein. 

This is one of my favorite quotes and I come back to it over and over again. When a member of the family is struggling or is faced with a challenge, and we get stuck in repetitive loopholes, it’s time to do something different. 

When over and over again we are rushing to school in the morning, battling over homework, unsettled at bedtime, resisting transitions, or a myriad of countless other challenges, it is a sign that we are stuck in a loophole.

No amount of encouragement, consequences, reminders will help. No reward and punishment scheme will move the needle. What is needed is to step back, assess the situation and try something different.

“We have a problem and we need to figure it out”

The first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem or challenge. Once that is clear, we can start to address the issue at hand.

The intention is to work collaboratively as a family to solve a challenge or struggle with curiosity and compassion. For that to happen, it is imperative that we create a welcoming judgement free environment, no pointing fingers and no blaming. 

This brings about the second step, we set the scene! Problems are not addressed in the heat of the moment, in the midst of the encounter and struggle. A time is set aside to address the issue. We bring some delicious snacks, a whiteboard and marker and gather around the table. This sense of togetherness and sharing of snacks relaxes the mood and invites engagement. A candle helps too. All these small acts encourage us to slow down, and when we do, we become more relaxed, inviting an intention of cooperation.

The third step is to start the problem solving process.

An example is best suited to explain this. 

My child was struggling getting ready in the morning to go to school on time.

Problem solving process

Step 1: The first step of the problem solving process, is to create a list of reasons why solving the problem is important. This is a collaborative list for the parent and child to contribute to.

Examples from me included:

• It’s important to be on time in the morning otherwise I will be late to work myself
• It’s important for me to get ready on time in the morning because when we rush I find it difficult to keep my cool and I am snappy
• It’s important for everyone to be ready on time otherwise they hold others back waiting for them

Examples from my child included:

• It is important to be on time to school otherwise the gate will be closed and I’ll miss school
• It is important to get ready in time otherwise I may forget to pack some of my things that I need for school
• It is important to get ready in time for school because I like being in class early

This step clearly illustrates for all parties involved how important it is that this problem is solved. Moving on from this step every family member has bought into the problem solving process and is keen on finding a way to solve this problem.

Step 2: The next step is to gather all the reasons why the problem/ challenge is present, in this example, why is it difficult to be ready for school on time in the morning. 

Examples from me as the parent included:

• We are not all ready when it’s time to leave for school
• I can’t help spend the morning reminding others to get ready because I have other things to do in the morning
• I am asked for help to find last minute things and this delays us

Examples from my child included:

• I like to take my time and have my space in the morning
• I don’t like getting out of bed as soon as I wake up
• I don’t like it when I am rushed and people tell me to be quick

Step 3: Now the final step is to create a list of ways that the problem can be solved whilst meeting both the needs of the child and the parent, listed in step two of the problem solving above. All ideas are welcome and jotted down in a list, even the ones that might sound unrealistic. Sometimes funny ideas come up and it brings a sense of humour and lightness to the situation, so keep them too!

Example list of solutions:

1. Don’t go to school
2. Go to school late and break the door (funny)
3. Mother takes child to school and then is back for sibling if they’re not ready
4. Child wakes up 15 minutes earlier
5. Mother reminds child when there is 10 minutes left to leave for school
6. Child prepares school bag the evening before
7. Child creates reminders around the house of when he needs to be ready
8. Mother packs the child’s bag and belongings for school

Once all the ideas are added, each idea is considered and assessed to determine whether it meets the needs listed in step two of the problem solving process above.

In this example, ideas 1 and 2 are excluded as they are unrealistic. Idea 3 is excluded as it doesn’t meet mother’s need to be at work on time. Idea 5 is excluded as it doesn’t meet the child’s need that they don’t like to be rushed. Idea 8 is excluded as the mother is busy with other tasks in the morning.

Ideas 4, 6 and 7 are chosen, they meet both parties’ needs and solve the problem at hand. It is important here that there is a follow through, in this case, the reminders are placed around the house, the wake up time is set earlier as decided and the child is encouraged to pack their school belongings the day earlier.

Wondering how this worked for us as a family? It took us as a family 2 days to get into this rhythm and it worked like a charm. It solved a challenge that had been brewing in the family for months on end. More importantly it was an empowering process and everyone left feeling seen and heard. 

The way we live

In using the problem solving method over and over again, it becomes the “way we live”. We are a family that figures things out. We are a family that solves problems. We don’t point fingers and blame. We find solutions that are suitable for members of the family. Shortly after implementing this, the children came up with an issue they had, and requested to sit around the table to discuss!

Now I know it may sound overwhelming to plan and prepare for all these steps, let me assure you that the whole process, including the snacks, took 1 hour at the most. Imagine how an intentional 1 hour can transform struggles and challenges.

I would love to hear how this resonates with you. Please do let me know if you decide to try it.

What we do as a family has been inspired by the works of both Ross Greene and Adele Fabre and Elaine Mazlish.

Ross Green’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) approach is centered on solving problems that cause certain behavior, not merely on modifying the behavior. Ross green advocates that “behind every challenging behavior is an unsolved problem and a lagging skill”. The idea here, as the name of the approach implies, is for the parent to work collaboratively with the child, to proactively find solutions to problems. The steps involved include gathering information from the child to understand their concern, defining the problem by communicating the other party’s perspective about the problem, and the invitation step is to discuss and agree on solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory. You can read more about his approach in his book The Explosive Child or on his website.

Adele Fabre and Elaine Mazlish introduce a problem solving approach in their book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The idea of their approach is that “when a problem persists, we can usually assume that it is more complex that it originally appeared”. The skill introduced by their method includes talking about the child’s feelings and needs, the other party’s feelings and needs, brainstorming solutions, writing all ideas, and deciding on suggestions.